1
00:00:02,524 --> 00:00:04,352
♪♪ [theme]

2
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-Corporal!
-Sir?

3
00:01:07,023 --> 00:01:09,199
Where are you going
with all those vegetables?

4
00:01:09,243 --> 00:01:10,853
Uh, nowhere, Major.

5
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I was just fixing
myself a little salad.

6
00:01:13,377 --> 00:01:14,726
A little salad?

7
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You could hide in there
till the war was over

8
00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:18,165
and nobody'd find you.

9
00:01:18,208 --> 00:01:19,601
Well, my doctor
back home says

10
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I have to eat
lots of greens.

11
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I have a, uh, deficiency
of malnutrition.

12
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What kind of a jackass
do you think I am?

13
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Oh, you'd know that
better than me, sir.

14
00:01:30,873 --> 00:01:34,137
Corporal, if those
vegetables are for you,

15
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you just sit down there
and eat 'em right now,

16
00:01:36,226 --> 00:01:37,532
every bit of 'em.

17
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Now, sir?

18
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Uh, well, I was gonna eat
'em at the movies tonight.

19
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Who eats salad
at the movies?

20
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I'm a vegetarian, sir.
I won't touch popcorn.

21
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Oh.

22
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Hi. I'm sorry I'm late.

23
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Major Burns stopped me.

24
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Oh, gee, he's rough.

25
00:02:03,297 --> 00:02:04,602
I thought he
just hated people,

26
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but he hates us, too.

27
00:02:07,388 --> 00:02:09,825
Hi. Here you go.

28
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There you go.

29
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You're eating just
as good as we do now.

30
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I sure am sorry
about that.

31
00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:21,663
Hey. What's up?

32
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Come here.
I want to see you.

33
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Come on.

34
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Come on.

35
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Oh, there we go.

36
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[distant explosions]

37
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It's just the war.

38
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You know, if you were
an American animal,

39
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you'd be miles
away from here.

40
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Maybe not, though.

41
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I'm here, and I'm
an American animal.

42
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MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

43
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Incoming wounded.

44
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Both surgical shifts report
to the operating room.

45
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Both shifts, please.

46
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We just came off
a shift.

47
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I feel like an embalmer's
practice dummy.

48
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You know how
easily I could live

49
00:03:02,094 --> 00:03:03,313
without any more wounded?

50
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It's called peace.

51
00:03:05,054 --> 00:03:07,012
Well, we certainly can't
have any more of that.

52
00:03:09,624 --> 00:03:11,452
HAWKEYE:
Dear Dad,

53
00:03:11,495 --> 00:03:14,019
The wounded keep
coming and coming.

54
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The latest batch
were Greek soldiers.

55
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Greece is one of
the 17 U.N. Countries

56
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fighting here in Korea.

57
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Greeks, Siamese,
Ethiopians, Turks.

58
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You name 'em, we got 'em.

59
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The common denominator
is blood. It's all red.

60
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And there's an awful lot of
it leaking out around here.

61
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[operating room chatter]

62
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We spent the better
part of a whole day

63
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mending the heirs
to Plato, Plutarch,
Aristotle, Socrates.

64
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I know a Greek back home.
Owns an ice cream parlor.

65
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Right next door
to the Confucius
Hand Laundry, Frank?

66
00:03:44,702 --> 00:03:46,835
What's that
supposed to mean?

67
00:03:46,878 --> 00:03:48,880
Want to learn about
medicine, Mr. Kwang?

68
00:03:48,924 --> 00:03:51,056
-Mm-hmm.
-All came from Greece.

69
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Started with a man named
Hippocrates, born in 460.

70
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Right next door to 461.

71
00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:59,761
He, uh, wrote
treatises on medicine,

72
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handed down concepts
that are in use today.

73
00:04:02,111 --> 00:04:04,244
He also composed
the Hippocratic Oath.

74
00:04:04,287 --> 00:04:07,682
Very good, Frank. Go to
the head of your patient.

75
00:04:07,725 --> 00:04:10,162
I'll finish here. Put him
back on the wooden horse.

76
00:04:10,206 --> 00:04:11,903
Marlow, you want
to give us a hand here?

77
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-Can you guys
get the other end?
-Suction here, okay?

78
00:04:13,862 --> 00:04:17,300
Ours is a noble and ancient
profession, Mr. Kwang.

79
00:04:17,344 --> 00:04:19,563
Homer wrote about doctors
carrying out operations

80
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-in The Iliad.
-Right.

81
00:04:21,478 --> 00:04:24,176
Of course, they didn't
make temple calls.

82
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:27,789
Who was it who wrote
"A physician alone
is worth many men"?

83
00:04:27,832 --> 00:04:30,835
-I wrote that, Frank.
-Tsk.

84
00:04:30,879 --> 00:04:33,055
Actually, my receptionist
said it once

85
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during a tandem exploratory.

86
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[wincing]

87
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Somebody put me or this
patient back to sleep!

88
00:04:37,973 --> 00:04:39,931
Come on, honey! Move!

89
00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:43,848
What have we here?

90
00:04:45,154 --> 00:04:47,330
Is my leg bad, Doc?

91
00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:48,636
I've seen worse.

92
00:04:49,724 --> 00:04:51,378
Will it have to come off?

93
00:04:51,421 --> 00:04:53,945
I don't know how to do that.
We'll have to keep it on.

94
00:04:53,989 --> 00:04:56,426
You'll be fine. Take five.

95
00:04:56,470 --> 00:04:58,298
Okay, let's prep him.
Come on.

96
00:05:00,082 --> 00:05:01,692
Radar!

97
00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:03,128
Sir?

98
00:05:03,172 --> 00:05:05,043
I will never understand

99
00:05:05,087 --> 00:05:07,785
how you can hear me
before I ever call you.

100
00:05:07,829 --> 00:05:09,744
I guess
it's the same as cows

101
00:05:09,787 --> 00:05:12,399
lying down on all fours
just before it rains.

102
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Do cows
lay down on all fours

103
00:05:14,096 --> 00:05:15,489
-before it rains?
-Yes, sir.

104
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I wonder why.

105
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I don't think they want
to get their bags wet.

106
00:05:20,798 --> 00:05:22,887
Sure know a lot
about animals, Radar.

107
00:05:22,931 --> 00:05:24,976
I got 16 cats
back home, sir.

108
00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:27,065
Oh.

109
00:05:27,109 --> 00:05:30,678
At the draft board they
found a fur ball in my throat.

110
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-Thanks for the pencil, Radar.
-You're welcome, sir.

111
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Oh, sir, there's a Colonel
Andropolis to see you.

112
00:05:36,988 --> 00:05:41,384
Well, do we know any
Andropolises? Andropoli?

113
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He's with the Greek Army.

114
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Has he got a problem?
Does he look like trouble?

115
00:05:45,736 --> 00:05:48,348
Uh, no, sir. He looks
pleasant enough.

116
00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:50,175
All right.
Show him in, Radar.

117
00:05:50,219 --> 00:05:52,090
Uh, yes, sir.

118
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This way, sir.

119
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-Colonel Blake?
-Yes, sir?

120
00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:58,793
Colonel Andropolis, sir.

121
00:05:58,836 --> 00:06:00,882
I am most grateful
for the treatment

122
00:06:00,925 --> 00:06:03,319
my men have received
at your hospital.

123
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:06,235
Well, we aim
to please, sir.

124
00:06:06,278 --> 00:06:08,063
Can I offer you a drink?

125
00:06:08,106 --> 00:06:09,847
Thank you.

126
00:06:09,891 --> 00:06:12,807
Uh-oh, I'm afraid the
cupboard's a little bare.

127
00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:15,418
Someone's been coming
through the rye here.

128
00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:17,725
Oh, a drink is not
necessary, Colonel.

129
00:06:17,768 --> 00:06:19,770
Oh, well, I usually
wait till noon myself.

130
00:06:19,814 --> 00:06:21,946
I just--

131
00:06:21,990 --> 00:06:26,429
Aha. Here's some gin.

132
00:06:26,473 --> 00:06:27,952
Have you ever
tried ouzo?

133
00:06:27,996 --> 00:06:29,301
-It's a Greek liqueur. -Oh, yes,
I did.

134
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I had a few down
in Seoul one night.

135
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Tried to go to sleep
in a wastebasket.

136
00:06:34,437 --> 00:06:35,917
Cheers.

137
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:38,572
Yep, well, here's lookin'
up your old address.

138
00:06:38,615 --> 00:06:41,879
Our Greek Easter, Colonel,
is this coming Sunday.

139
00:06:41,923 --> 00:06:46,362
Oh, well, happy,
uh, Athens.

140
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:49,931
Uh, for those of my men
still in hospital here,

141
00:06:49,974 --> 00:06:51,846
I have arranged for
certain delicacies

142
00:06:51,889 --> 00:06:53,282
to be airlifted
from Greece.

143
00:06:53,325 --> 00:06:54,675
Oh, that's nice.

144
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Your people are invited
to share them with us.

145
00:06:56,764 --> 00:06:58,592
Oh, well,
that's very kind, sir.

146
00:06:58,635 --> 00:07:00,071
Uh, Sunday?

147
00:07:00,115 --> 00:07:02,160
Uh... Uh, fine, good.

148
00:07:02,204 --> 00:07:03,684
I'll just cancel the film

149
00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:05,250
on the history
of athlete's foot.

150
00:07:05,294 --> 00:07:07,252
Okay. Right there.

151
00:07:07,296 --> 00:07:08,732
Delicacies?

152
00:07:08,776 --> 00:07:12,040
Uh, grape leaves,
lamb, moussaka.

153
00:07:12,083 --> 00:07:14,869
-Ouzo?
-Oh, a bathtub full.

154
00:07:14,912 --> 00:07:18,133
Well, I'll practice
keeping my head underwater.

155
00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:20,222
Well, I am afraid
duty calls, Colonel.

156
00:07:20,265 --> 00:07:22,485
Good day,
and thank you.

157
00:07:22,529 --> 00:07:25,227
[speaking Greek]

158
00:07:29,013 --> 00:07:30,537
I'm your relief.

159
00:07:30,580 --> 00:07:32,452
Ah, they couldn't
get a doctor, right?

160
00:07:32,495 --> 00:07:35,063
A word about
today's lunch: don't.

161
00:07:35,106 --> 00:07:36,978
It's called Army Surprise.

162
00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:38,501
Yesterday's
corned beef hash

163
00:07:38,545 --> 00:07:41,286
rehashed in hearts
of helmet salad.

164
00:07:41,330 --> 00:07:42,940
Here you go.

165
00:07:42,984 --> 00:07:44,551
Which end do you blow in?

166
00:07:44,594 --> 00:07:46,422
That kid over there,
the one whose leg you did?

167
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:47,815
-Chapman? -Mm-hmm.

168
00:07:47,858 --> 00:07:49,207
-The arterial reconstruction?
-Mm-hmm.

169
00:07:49,251 --> 00:07:51,035
Wound was self-inflicted.

170
00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:52,515
You noticed.

171
00:07:52,559 --> 00:07:54,343
The powder burns,
the angle.

172
00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:56,084
For anyone to shoot
him that close,

173
00:07:56,127 --> 00:07:58,042
they'd have to both
be standing inside
the same uniform.

174
00:07:58,086 --> 00:07:59,391
When are they going
to put out a manual
for these kids

175
00:07:59,435 --> 00:08:02,525
on how to self-inflict?

176
00:08:02,569 --> 00:08:03,961
Think Frank knows?

177
00:08:05,093 --> 00:08:06,703
Frank knows so little,

178
00:08:06,747 --> 00:08:08,575
it's hard to keep up with
how much he doesn't know.

179
00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:10,359
I don't think he knows.

180
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:11,795
He'd had the kid up
on charges in a flash.

181
00:08:11,839 --> 00:08:13,449
Well, that's his
job as head fink.

182
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,059
To report everything
in his finkdom.

183
00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:17,975
Lunch is N.G., huh?

184
00:08:18,019 --> 00:08:19,760
Only if taken internally.

185
00:08:23,764 --> 00:08:25,330
How do you feel?

186
00:08:25,374 --> 00:08:26,506
Better.

187
00:08:26,549 --> 00:08:28,203
You're a lucky boy,
you know?

188
00:08:28,246 --> 00:08:29,813
If that bullet had gone a
half an inch the other way,

189
00:08:29,857 --> 00:08:31,162
you could've
lost your leg.

190
00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:32,686
Good thing the guy
that hit you

191
00:08:32,729 --> 00:08:33,861
wasn't that great a shot.

192
00:08:35,253 --> 00:08:36,820
Yeah.

193
00:08:36,864 --> 00:08:39,954
The cold can really mess up
a guy's aim, you know?

194
00:08:39,997 --> 00:08:43,044
The cold...anxiety...

195
00:08:43,087 --> 00:08:44,132
fear.

196
00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:50,747
Y-You really know a lot
about things, don't you?

197
00:08:50,791 --> 00:08:52,009
People.

198
00:08:52,053 --> 00:08:53,489
Well, that comes
from opening them up

199
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,577
and peeking inside.

200
00:08:57,319 --> 00:08:59,277
You get back at the line,

201
00:08:59,321 --> 00:09:01,062
try not to let the same
guy shoot you again.

202
00:09:01,105 --> 00:09:02,411
I think he's
lookin' to hurt you.

203
00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:04,326
Right.

204
00:09:04,369 --> 00:09:06,589
Also, we need the bed
space for serious cases--

205
00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:08,199
hemorrhoids,
hangnails, like that.

206
00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:12,813
Okay.

207
00:09:12,856 --> 00:09:14,205
I won't be back.

208
00:09:18,819 --> 00:09:21,038
Come on. Eat it.
It's good for you.

209
00:09:21,082 --> 00:09:23,040
It'll put fur
on your chest.

210
00:09:27,784 --> 00:09:30,178
Thattaboy... or girl.

211
00:09:30,221 --> 00:09:32,354
-Or whatever.
-[ringing]

212
00:09:32,397 --> 00:09:35,531
Oh, no, not again.

213
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:38,099
Colonel Blake's office.
The colonel's in conference,

214
00:09:38,142 --> 00:09:41,276
but if it's important,
I can wake him.

215
00:09:41,319 --> 00:09:44,409
No, you can send that
stuff through. Yeah.

216
00:09:46,324 --> 00:09:48,675
That's that Greek
shipment we're expecting.

217
00:09:48,718 --> 00:09:50,807
FRANK:
Right, right, come on.

218
00:09:50,851 --> 00:09:52,548
Keep bringing it.
Keep bringing it.

219
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,898
Back, back, back, back.

220
00:09:54,942 --> 00:09:56,857
Okay, stop. Stop!

221
00:09:58,075 --> 00:09:59,642
You numbskull!

222
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:01,296
You almost ran over me!

223
00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:03,690
You understand
that, you boob?

224
00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:06,736
Watch Frank blow Greece
out of the U.N.

225
00:10:06,780 --> 00:10:08,651
I want your name and
serial number, Sergeant.

226
00:10:08,695 --> 00:10:11,567
Savvy? Name-o, numero?

227
00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:16,790
Constantinos Kahtros.

228
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:21,577
[speaking Greek]

229
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,448
Playing Greek
bingo, Frank?

230
00:10:24,754 --> 00:10:26,887
Mind your own beeswax.

231
00:10:26,930 --> 00:10:29,367
Okay, in here.

232
00:10:29,411 --> 00:10:33,241
Uh, uh, this--
this way, uh, please.

233
00:10:33,284 --> 00:10:37,898
Okay, uh, put, uh, put 'em
here-o, s'il vous plaît.

234
00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:40,857
Or I don't--
I don't speak, uh--

235
00:10:40,901 --> 00:10:41,902
Thank you.

236
00:10:44,165 --> 00:10:45,470
Wow!

237
00:10:46,776 --> 00:10:48,735
RADAR: Shazam!

238
00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:50,824
Would you look at
that beauty stuff?

239
00:10:50,867 --> 00:10:52,390
All this good food
will make us sick.

240
00:10:52,434 --> 00:10:54,610
Our bodies can't
adjust that fast

241
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:56,917
after all the slop
they've been feeding us.

242
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,615
We may have to go
on two or three days
of garbage withdrawal.

243
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:02,531
The last steak I ate
I cut out of a magazine.

244
00:11:02,574 --> 00:11:04,098
This stuff
looks great, huh?

245
00:11:04,141 --> 00:11:05,795
If you'd studied
at all, Radar,

246
00:11:05,839 --> 00:11:07,797
you'd know that the Greeks
invented the Edible Complex.

247
00:11:07,841 --> 00:11:09,886
That's where a boy likes
his mother's cooking

248
00:11:09,930 --> 00:11:11,148
better than eating out.

249
00:11:11,192 --> 00:11:13,150
-Really?
-[bleating]

250
00:11:13,194 --> 00:11:15,413
Hey!

251
00:11:15,457 --> 00:11:16,763
That's a lamb!

252
00:11:16,806 --> 00:11:18,025
You bet your mint jelly.

253
00:11:18,068 --> 00:11:20,027
What's he gonna
do with that lamb?

254
00:11:20,070 --> 00:11:21,506
If I know our cook,

255
00:11:21,550 --> 00:11:23,552
he's gonna make pork
chops out of it.

256
00:11:23,595 --> 00:11:25,772
He isn't gonna
kill it, is he?

257
00:11:25,815 --> 00:11:27,425
Radar, how's he
gonna put the pants
on the lamb chops

258
00:11:27,469 --> 00:11:28,818
if the legs keep moving?

259
00:11:28,862 --> 00:11:30,602
Aren't you gonna stop him?

260
00:11:30,646 --> 00:11:33,040
Not until the skin is
roasted a crispy brown

261
00:11:33,083 --> 00:11:35,085
and there's a suggestion
of pink inside.

262
00:11:35,129 --> 00:11:36,565
Mmm!

263
00:11:36,608 --> 00:11:38,698
My neighbor would
put a lamb on a rack

264
00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:40,743
-over charcoal every Easter.
-Mmm!

265
00:11:40,787 --> 00:11:44,181
And they'd turn it slowly
on a spit for hours,

266
00:11:44,225 --> 00:11:46,227
and then they
would baste it

267
00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:48,011
with lots of lemon
and tons of butter.

268
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:50,013
Hold it, hold it!

269
00:11:50,057 --> 00:11:52,886
My nostrils
could be arrested
for indecent exposure.

270
00:12:01,024 --> 00:12:03,200
Attention, all personnel.

271
00:12:03,244 --> 00:12:06,160
Our Greek allies have
invited us to join them

272
00:12:06,203 --> 00:12:08,031
in their Easter celebration.

273
00:12:08,075 --> 00:12:10,251
There will be
music, dancing,

274
00:12:10,294 --> 00:12:12,644
and a specially
barbecued lamb.

275
00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:16,910
That's tomorrow night,
the mess tent, 2200 hours.

276
00:12:16,953 --> 00:12:19,869
And now, back
to the Korean War

277
00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:22,872
because you asked for it.

278
00:12:22,916 --> 00:12:25,440
Wild music? Dancing?

279
00:12:25,483 --> 00:12:27,485
Barbecuing live animals?

280
00:12:27,529 --> 00:12:29,749
It's paganism,
that's what it is.

281
00:12:29,792 --> 00:12:32,012
It'll turn into a bacchanal.

282
00:12:32,055 --> 00:12:33,230
You think so, Frank?

283
00:12:33,274 --> 00:12:34,971
I can see it, Colonel.

284
00:12:35,015 --> 00:12:37,017
Wine pouring
over supple bodies,

285
00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:39,976
everyone engaged in
debauchery and degradation.

286
00:12:40,020 --> 00:12:42,413
Have to climb
over me to do it.

287
00:12:42,457 --> 00:12:44,415
Well, I'm certainly glad
Major Houlihan's in Tokyo

288
00:12:44,459 --> 00:12:45,852
and not here
to witness this.

289
00:12:45,895 --> 00:12:48,985
I'm glad she's not
here too, Frank.

290
00:12:49,029 --> 00:12:50,857
This is just the first
step, you know.

291
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:54,251
Today it's a lamb. Tomorrow
you'll sacrifice a virgin.

292
00:12:54,295 --> 00:12:56,427
In this camp?

293
00:12:56,471 --> 00:12:57,820
It's extremely
difficult for me

294
00:12:57,864 --> 00:12:59,387
to serve under
these conditions

295
00:12:59,430 --> 00:13:01,868
and to remain as
decent as I am.

296
00:13:01,911 --> 00:13:06,307
Let go, Frank. Rotten up
like the rest of us.

297
00:13:06,350 --> 00:13:08,048
You leave me no choice

298
00:13:08,091 --> 00:13:09,658
but to register
a formal complaint
with Father Mulcahy

299
00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:12,052
about the looseness around
here, the immorality!

300
00:13:12,095 --> 00:13:13,488
Will that make you
happy, Frank?

301
00:13:13,531 --> 00:13:15,011
-Yes!
-Then go.

302
00:13:17,187 --> 00:13:20,364
Trouble is
Father Mulcahy does have

303
00:13:20,408 --> 00:13:23,106
a rather unfortunate
tendency to forgive people.

304
00:13:27,197 --> 00:13:29,025
Shh. Don't get scared.

305
00:13:29,069 --> 00:13:31,288
I got a plan.

306
00:13:31,332 --> 00:13:34,030
I'm your friend.
Come here.

307
00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:36,772
Listen now.

308
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:41,516
Uh, I love lambs, see?
I'm your buddy.

309
00:13:41,559 --> 00:13:43,823
I mean, I don't love you
like they love you--

310
00:13:43,866 --> 00:13:45,476
with peas and carrots.

311
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,261
You don't know it,

312
00:13:47,304 --> 00:13:49,002
but they're having a big
party here tomorrow night,

313
00:13:49,045 --> 00:13:50,786
and the only reason
why you're not invited

314
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:53,180
is 'cause you're
the main course.

315
00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:56,444
Now, listen.
Now you gotta trust me.

316
00:13:56,487 --> 00:13:59,316
I'm crazy about animals.
Honest, you can ask 'em.

317
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:02,058
I've had dogs and hamsters,

318
00:14:02,102 --> 00:14:03,843
and I got
a 20-year-old turtle

319
00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:05,148
that I raised from a pup.

320
00:14:06,758 --> 00:14:09,631
Now, see this?
This won't hurt.

321
00:14:09,674 --> 00:14:13,026
It's just to help you
to sleep real fast.

322
00:14:13,069 --> 00:14:15,506
It's better than lying there
counting people, right?

323
00:14:15,550 --> 00:14:18,683
Okay, now.
just turn around.

324
00:14:18,727 --> 00:14:21,904
I gotta inject the,
uh, rear of your behind.

325
00:14:25,647 --> 00:14:26,691
Father Mulcahy?

326
00:14:33,220 --> 00:14:35,439
Good thing I don't
need the last rites.

327
00:14:45,362 --> 00:14:46,668
Father...

328
00:14:46,711 --> 00:14:47,843
No.

329
00:14:49,323 --> 00:14:52,630
Dear Father...

330
00:14:52,674 --> 00:14:54,806
Father, dear Father,
come home with me now.

331
00:14:56,765 --> 00:14:58,027
Silly goose.

332
00:15:00,638 --> 00:15:02,902
-[knocking]
-Come.

333
00:15:08,342 --> 00:15:09,865
-Sir?
-Hold on.

334
00:15:12,128 --> 00:15:14,348
Sir, there's somethin'
I wanna get off my chest.

335
00:15:14,391 --> 00:15:15,566
Yes?

336
00:15:18,004 --> 00:15:19,744
I shot myself.

337
00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:23,357
You what?

338
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,054
In the leg,
to get sent back.

339
00:15:25,098 --> 00:15:28,797
I-I shot myself.

340
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:32,279
Why, you little scum, you.

341
00:15:32,322 --> 00:15:34,629
Shooting yourself?

342
00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:36,936
You oughta be shot for that!

343
00:15:36,979 --> 00:15:38,894
I thought
you'd understand.

344
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,591
You're talking
to a patriot, buddy.

345
00:15:40,635 --> 00:15:42,898
I worship the
United States of America,

346
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,595
for which it stands,
and, unlike you,

347
00:15:44,639 --> 00:15:46,206
would do nothing
to disgrace it

348
00:15:46,249 --> 00:15:48,860
for all the
Communists in China!

349
00:15:48,904 --> 00:15:50,993
You're not the padre.

350
00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:53,387
No, I'm not, señor.

351
00:15:53,430 --> 00:15:55,432
Let's have your name
and serial number.

352
00:15:57,434 --> 00:15:59,480
HENRY: Right. Right.

353
00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:01,438
Yeah, the Greek food
arrived okay, Colonel,

354
00:16:01,482 --> 00:16:02,874
except for the olives.

355
00:16:02,918 --> 00:16:04,964
For some reason,
they all turned black.

356
00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:07,053
Oh!

357
00:16:07,096 --> 00:16:09,011
Well, anyway, we're mighty
grateful for the goodies.

358
00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:11,883
Our own food here leaves
a lot to be desired.

359
00:16:11,927 --> 00:16:14,234
Oh, it fills you up,
if you can keep it down.

360
00:16:14,277 --> 00:16:15,626
Thank you, sir.

361
00:16:15,670 --> 00:16:17,411
Excuse me. Hang on, Radar.

362
00:16:17,454 --> 00:16:20,327
Uh, right, right. Okay.

363
00:16:20,370 --> 00:16:22,677
Thanks again, Colonel.
Righty-o.

364
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,071
And, uh, Abyssinia!

365
00:16:31,164 --> 00:16:32,513
What was all that
I just signed?

366
00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:35,429
Uh, papers, sir.

367
00:16:35,472 --> 00:16:39,128
What kind of papers
were the papers?

368
00:16:39,172 --> 00:16:42,131
Uh, well,
uh, uh, well,

369
00:16:42,175 --> 00:16:44,003
one-one paper
was to complain

370
00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:45,482
that we haven't received
the additional paper

371
00:16:45,526 --> 00:16:47,093
that we asked
for a month ago

372
00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:49,182
when we sent
in a paper-paper,

373
00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:50,661
and like that.

374
00:16:50,705 --> 00:16:52,359
Like what that?

375
00:16:52,402 --> 00:16:54,100
And you also signed
an emergency leave.

376
00:16:54,143 --> 00:16:55,666
-Oh.
-For one of the men.

377
00:16:57,451 --> 00:17:00,280
Which one of the men?

378
00:17:00,323 --> 00:17:02,934
Uh, Private Charles Lamb.

379
00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:11,073
I don't remember
any Charles Lamb.

380
00:17:11,117 --> 00:17:12,596
Oh, yes,
you know him, sir.

381
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:13,989
Uh, short,
curly-haired guy.

382
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,078
Short, curly-haired?

383
00:17:16,122 --> 00:17:18,385
Yes, had to take
an emergency leave.

384
00:17:18,428 --> 00:17:20,691
-Death in the family? -Almost.

385
00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:33,574
MAN [on P.A.]:
Sergeant Jensen,

386
00:17:33,617 --> 00:17:35,750
please report to
the dentist's tent.

387
00:17:35,793 --> 00:17:38,144
Your uppers have
been waiting a week.

388
00:17:38,187 --> 00:17:40,972
The only problem is I couldn't
stop sneezing

389
00:17:41,016 --> 00:17:42,670
on account of
her angora sweater.

390
00:17:44,367 --> 00:17:46,021
-Henry's not here.
-Are you sure?

391
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,675
Sometimes when he's here,
I get that feeling.

392
00:17:47,718 --> 00:17:49,068
Why don't you just
leave the report?

393
00:17:49,111 --> 00:17:50,112
Where's Colonel Blake?

394
00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:51,461
Henry's not in, Frank.

395
00:17:51,505 --> 00:17:52,680
But he is out.

396
00:17:52,723 --> 00:17:55,465
Can we help?
Just fill this in.

397
00:17:55,509 --> 00:17:57,641
"I Want Out of This Rotten,
Stinking Army Because,"

398
00:17:57,685 --> 00:18:00,079
in 25 dirty words or less.

399
00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:02,690
I happen to be here on
very serious business.

400
00:18:02,733 --> 00:18:04,996
-Oh.
-Well, you're a very
serious fellow.

401
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:07,695
We're thinking of chipping
in to buy you a smile.

402
00:18:07,738 --> 00:18:09,131
Actually, you're
just as much to blame.

403
00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:11,177
Right.

404
00:18:11,220 --> 00:18:12,352
Right what?

405
00:18:12,395 --> 00:18:13,701
Whatever.

406
00:18:13,744 --> 00:18:15,572
I'm so neurotic,
anything you say,

407
00:18:15,616 --> 00:18:17,487
you got a good chance
of striking guilt.

408
00:18:17,531 --> 00:18:19,359
Well, you are just
as much to blame.

409
00:18:19,402 --> 00:18:23,058
You'll have to sit
in the rear of the war.

410
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,147
Are you going to deny
he was your patient?

411
00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:26,844
A little specificity, Frank.

412
00:18:26,888 --> 00:18:29,020
I've had a few million
patients since I got here.

413
00:18:29,064 --> 00:18:31,849
Just last night, I pasted
a new liver in my scrapbook.

414
00:18:31,893 --> 00:18:33,895
I'm talking about
Private Chapman.

415
00:18:33,938 --> 00:18:35,810
His wound was
self-inflicted.

416
00:18:35,853 --> 00:18:38,160
A first-year medical student
would be able to detect that.

417
00:18:38,204 --> 00:18:40,423
Then how did you
find out?

418
00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:43,122
He told me. Chapman.

419
00:18:44,253 --> 00:18:46,168
-When?
-Why?

420
00:18:46,212 --> 00:18:47,517
Not five minutes ago,

421
00:18:47,561 --> 00:18:49,171
because he thought
I was a priest.

422
00:18:50,781 --> 00:18:52,609
Slowly, Frank.

423
00:18:52,653 --> 00:18:55,395
I was in
Father Mulcahy's tent

424
00:18:55,438 --> 00:18:57,266
to register a complaint.

425
00:18:57,310 --> 00:18:59,050
Get a little dirt on
Saint Christopher, Frank?

426
00:18:59,094 --> 00:19:01,183
I was leaving the
good father a note

427
00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:03,142
when this Chapman came
in on his crutches.

428
00:19:03,185 --> 00:19:05,187
-And you tripped him.
-Hold it.

429
00:19:05,231 --> 00:19:06,275
So?

430
00:19:06,319 --> 00:19:07,972
So nothing.

431
00:19:08,016 --> 00:19:10,192
He confessed the fact
that he shot himself.

432
00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:12,151
And now my duty's clear.

433
00:19:12,194 --> 00:19:14,588
You get the rope, Frank.
We'll bring the tree.

434
00:19:14,631 --> 00:19:18,331
Doing one's duty is not
performing a lynching.

435
00:19:18,374 --> 00:19:20,202
Frank, look...

436
00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:21,986
a lot of kids have
made the same mistake.

437
00:19:22,030 --> 00:19:24,119
Let him go back and
straighten himself out.

438
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,468
Nertz.

439
00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:28,863
Probably get ten years.

440
00:19:28,906 --> 00:19:30,517
Maybe 20.

441
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:32,736
Oh, I don't think they'd
give you that much, Frank.

442
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:35,435
Me?

443
00:19:35,478 --> 00:19:37,219
For impersonating a priest.

444
00:19:37,263 --> 00:19:40,353
A priest? I never!

445
00:19:40,396 --> 00:19:43,921
Frank, you can fool some of
the papal some of the time.

446
00:19:43,965 --> 00:19:45,880
It's a lie!

447
00:19:45,923 --> 00:19:47,882
And you can count on us
not to back you up, Frank.

448
00:19:47,925 --> 00:19:49,579
Very serious business, this.

449
00:19:49,623 --> 00:19:50,928
TRAPPER:
Posing as a priest.

450
00:19:50,972 --> 00:19:52,713
They'll give you
the electric pew.

451
00:19:52,756 --> 00:19:56,195
One of these days,
boy!

452
00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:58,066
Attention, all personnel.

453
00:19:58,109 --> 00:20:00,634
Please contact Colonel Blake
if anyone knows

454
00:20:00,677 --> 00:20:02,723
the whereabouts
of tonight's entrée.

455
00:20:02,766 --> 00:20:04,333
In the meantime,

456
00:20:04,377 --> 00:20:07,206
be on the lookout for
a white Caucasian lamb.

457
00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:09,208
He is reported
to be unarmed

458
00:20:09,251 --> 00:20:11,558
and considered
to be delicious.

459
00:20:11,601 --> 00:20:12,907
That is all.

460
00:20:12,950 --> 00:20:14,778
This whole place
is off its rocker.

461
00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:24,919
-What's up, Henry?
-What happened to the lamb?

462
00:20:24,962 --> 00:20:27,313
Do I know?
Do I know anything?

463
00:20:27,356 --> 00:20:29,358
Everything in this country
disappears except me.

464
00:20:29,402 --> 00:20:32,231
Boy, would I like to
wake up some morning,

465
00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:33,971
look down,
and find myself gone.

466
00:20:34,015 --> 00:20:35,973
You're babbling
again, Henry.

467
00:20:36,017 --> 00:20:37,932
Colonel Andropolis
has the thing flown in

468
00:20:37,975 --> 00:20:39,281
all the way from Greece,

469
00:20:39,325 --> 00:20:41,457
and now the damn lamb's
flown the coop.

470
00:20:41,501 --> 00:20:43,329
HAWKEYE: Now, that's
a pretty neat trick.

471
00:20:43,372 --> 00:20:45,113
The U.N. Command
in Seoul's called.

472
00:20:45,156 --> 00:20:47,376
Boy, am I in Dutch
with the Greeks.

473
00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:48,986
The man's a fountain
of straight lines.

474
00:20:49,030 --> 00:20:50,466
Oh, go ahead, joke.

475
00:20:50,510 --> 00:20:52,381
I'm in trouble
up to my whatsis.

476
00:20:52,425 --> 00:20:54,949
One more chewing out and
my belly button'll cave in.

477
00:20:54,992 --> 00:20:57,908
-Uh, sir?
-Not now, Radar.

478
00:20:57,952 --> 00:20:59,780
Uh, it's about
the lamb, Colonel.

479
00:20:59,823 --> 00:21:01,608
Where is it?

480
00:21:01,651 --> 00:21:03,305
Ahem.

481
00:21:03,349 --> 00:21:05,612
Well, I don't want you
to get in trouble, sir,

482
00:21:05,655 --> 00:21:07,091
but, uh...

483
00:21:07,135 --> 00:21:09,093
it's been set free.

484
00:21:09,137 --> 00:21:11,618
Well, what horse's
patoot did that?

485
00:21:12,793 --> 00:21:16,013
Um...you did, sir.

486
00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:20,975
You gave him a medical
discharge this afternoon.

487
00:21:22,977 --> 00:21:25,153
Private Charles Lamb?

488
00:21:25,196 --> 00:21:27,503
Radar, you tricked me!

489
00:21:27,547 --> 00:21:29,723
Well, I didn't want
to see him killed, sir.

490
00:21:29,766 --> 00:21:31,464
I'd rather be
barbecued myself

491
00:21:31,507 --> 00:21:34,205
with an apple
shoved up my face.

492
00:21:34,249 --> 00:21:36,860
I gave a discharge
to a sheep.

493
00:21:36,904 --> 00:21:39,646
He's on his way to Tokyo now.

494
00:21:39,689 --> 00:21:41,778
On Bo-Peep Airlines.

495
00:21:41,822 --> 00:21:44,041
A buddy of mine will
reroute him to Iowa

496
00:21:44,085 --> 00:21:46,392
to my folks.
I've already radioed 'em.

497
00:21:46,435 --> 00:21:47,871
They're expecting him.

498
00:21:47,915 --> 00:21:49,308
He could sleep
in your room.

499
00:21:49,351 --> 00:21:50,874
Your pants'll
just fit him.

500
00:21:50,918 --> 00:21:53,050
I may be losing my mind.

501
00:21:53,094 --> 00:21:54,574
Don't fight it, Henry.

502
00:21:54,617 --> 00:21:56,532
I've got Command
on my tail

503
00:21:56,576 --> 00:21:59,274
and a hospital full of
Greeks waiting for a lamb

504
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:01,494
who's sitting on a plane
on his way to Iowa

505
00:22:01,537 --> 00:22:04,018
to become Radar's
little brother!

506
00:22:04,061 --> 00:22:06,020
Henry, you get everybody
in the mess tent.

507
00:22:06,063 --> 00:22:07,848
Start pumping ouzo into 'em.

508
00:22:07,891 --> 00:22:09,371
Trapper and I will
supply you with a lamb.

509
00:22:09,415 --> 00:22:11,155
How are you
gonna do that?

510
00:22:11,199 --> 00:22:12,635
Tell him, Trap.

511
00:22:12,679 --> 00:22:14,507
You tell him,
then we'll both know.

512
00:22:16,204 --> 00:22:18,032
♪♪

513
00:22:18,075 --> 00:22:20,469
[speaking Greek]

514
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:06,733
[shouting]

515
00:23:07,908 --> 00:23:10,040
Hey. Pardon me.

516
00:23:14,567 --> 00:23:16,873
What the hell is that?

517
00:23:18,092 --> 00:23:19,963
A Spam lamb!

518
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:27,928
Come on, kid,
join the party.

519
00:23:27,971 --> 00:23:30,583
See what a celebration
of life is really like.

520
00:23:30,626 --> 00:23:32,454
I feel out of place.

521
00:23:32,498 --> 00:23:34,891
Hey, look, you're
old enough to fight,

522
00:23:34,935 --> 00:23:36,458
you're old
enough to dance.

523
00:23:36,502 --> 00:23:38,329
♪♪

524
00:23:41,898 --> 00:23:43,683
[shouting]

525
00:23:58,088 --> 00:23:59,438
Ouzo!

526
00:24:03,398 --> 00:24:04,573
Hey!

527
00:24:06,793 --> 00:24:07,968
Hey!

528
00:24:12,363 --> 00:24:13,277
Hey!

529
00:24:14,409 --> 00:24:15,541
Hey!

530
00:24:15,584 --> 00:24:17,107
Hey!

531
00:24:18,979 --> 00:24:20,720
Good evening, Father.

532
00:24:23,592 --> 00:24:26,247
You son of a gun, you.

533
00:24:40,261 --> 00:24:42,829
♪♪ [whistling]

534
00:25:36,099 --> 00:25:38,145
♪♪ [theme]